I've Lost Who I Am
by Kimisha
Summary: The reason Dean is finding it so hard to forgive Castiel is because he loves him so much. The revelation prompts Dean to visit Cas on the mental ward. Will the visit from Dean help Cas beat his demons? Spoilers for 7x17!


**Hey Guys!**

**This is a simple one off, one shot type story following ep 7x17. **

**Although I should really finish my other fics first (oops), but I HAD to do this! **

**Friday's ep was ridiculously emotional and I hated how it was left between Dean & Cas. **

**This is basically what I would love to see happen (in an ideal, crazy, never-gonna-happen-but-we-can-dream type universe!) following episode 17. **

**It is by no means accurate and the characters may slip out of their usual habits etc…but what the hell! We deserve some Destiel action after the trauma!**

**Enjoy! Please review, it makes a girl very happy ;)**

**I've Lost Who I Am**

"Earth to Dean…a little company would be nice" Sam said, waving a hand in front of his brother's face.

"Sorry, just thinking" Dean muttered; take a large bite out of his bacon cheeseburger.

"Is it worth me asking what about?" Sam enquired, raising his eyebrows slightly.

Dean ignored the question and took a deep breath, before letting out a small shake of his head.

Sam knew his brother wasn't one for over sharing or sharing at all for that matter, especially of late. But it was clear something was bothering him and he had a good idea what, so decided to push his luck.

"Dean…is this about Cas?"

His older brother shot a glare in Sam's direction, before averting eye contact and looking down at his food.

"No" Dean mumbled quietly.

It was obvious things were playing on Dean's mind, it had been a whirlwind since Cas' shock return and the weight of leaving Cas behind, alone in the mental ward was clearly beginning to leave it's mark on Dean.

Sam didn't buy the heartless act that radiated from his brother, especially when it came to Cas. Neither brother was stupid; they knew how much Cas had sacrificed yet again to save them, even if it was Cas' mistake to mend.

Sam let silence fall between them, watching as Dean stared at his plate and eyebrows knitting together in deep thought.

He picked up his burger to take another bite, but never made it that far before he threw it down in frustration.

"It's just…do you suppose Cas is OK? I mean you went through that Sam and it almost killed you, but he's stronger right…I mean he doesn't sleep so the sleep deprivation won't get to him…or the eating thing." Dean finally spilled out is words in a quick ramble.

"I couldn't say Dean…but whatever he's going through right now, it won't be pleasant. Believe me I know and that's discounting the insomnia." Sam replied with a heavy sigh.

Dean nodded slowly, pressing his lips firmly together and taking a deep breath.

"I know you think leaving Cas behind was for the best Dean and in some ways I agree, but maybe if we went to visit…it might help, let him know there are still people that care…" Sam continued, looking hopefully towards his brother.

"I don't know Sam…I just…I don't know if I can"

"Dean he has quite literally given his life in exchange for mine and you know why right?"

"Cause he wanted to make amends…" Dean stated, looking up to Sam.

The younger Winchester huffed a laugh and shook his head.

"Of course…but that isn't the only reason Dean. Isn't it obvious…he would do anything to gain your forgiveness. It mean's everything to him…Cas would do anything for you Dean. For him to see you right now, just to see that you care…you have no idea how much that might actually help him."

Dean stared at his brother, digesting everything and nodded slowly.

"But…I just can't seem to shake off what he did, no matter what he's done to redeem himself…I just can't…and I don't know why"

Sam listened to the confusion lacing Dean's voice, it's true that everything they had been through they have been able to forgive and Sam feels he can forgive Cas for his mistakes too, especially since he made such a bold sacrifice.

It made him wonder why Dean couldn't, why it was affecting him so much when Sam can find it in his heart to forgive their friend and Dean can't.

Realisation slowly started to dawn on Sam and his eyes went wide, looking directly at Dean.

"I know exactly why" He stated, meeting Dean's eyes.

His older brother frowned in confusion.

"Enlighten me Sam…why?"

"You love him"

Dean matched Sam's wide eyes and scoffed slightly at the statement.

"What? Have you lost your freakin mind…I don't love Cas"

"Yes you do…you might not realise it but you do. Think about it Dean…when a friend betrays another friend…of course it's gonna hit hard…but the fact that you STILL can't get over it…the fact that it still makes you mad or upset, is a clear sign that your feelings run a lot deeper than friendship…you lose it the most with the people you love."

Dean gulped loudly, mouth gaping open in a slight show of surprise.

"That's insane…It can't be…I just…I…" Dean stumbled trying to find the right words as his brain ticked away, thinking back over his time with Cas and it started to sink in, as much as Dean didn't want to believe it right now…he loved Cas.

"Shit" He mumbled, dropping his head into his hands and taking a deep breath.

"He needs you Dean, you're everything to him and you're all he's got right now. Go see him." Sam encouraged.

Dean lifted his head and nodded dumbly.

O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O

"Cas you have a visitor" The nurse chimed, walking into the room.

The angel didn't take his focus off the wall in front of him, continuing to stare at the blank canvas and willing Lucifer to stop talking down his ear.

Dean walked in and nodded to the nurse as she exited the room, leaving them alone.

"Awww looky Cas, your big strapping hunter is here to see you…sweet" Lucifer said mockingly, chuckling as he jumped up onto the table opposite Cas.

The angel stared in fright at Lucifer, his lip quivering slightly as the devil began to chuckle hysterically and causing Cas to slap his hands over his ears, rocking back and forth.

Dean watched on in sadness and panic, soon enough he was at Cas' side on the bed.

"Cas…Cas…hey…" He said hurriedly, pulling the angel's hands from his ears.

Finally Cas looked to his side with wide eyes and seen Dean for the first time since he entered the room.

"Dean?" He choked out in surprise.

"Yeah it's me…" The hunter re-assured, letting the angel's hands drop.

Cas stared in confusion at Dean, head tilting in that all too familiar way that made Dean's heart jump.

"You're not real"

Dean's face dropped and he felt a stab of pain through his chest.

"Course I am"

"He's lyinggggggggggggg" Lucifer sang happily from his perch in the corner.

Cas' attention was diverted to the empty table and a worried look washed over Dean's face as he followed Cas' eye line to the empty space.

"Look Cas…whatever he is saying to you…don't believe a word." Dean pushed, tugging slightly on Cas' arm and trying to divert his focus.

"Hey Castiel…look at me" Dean gritted out, forcefully grabbing the angel's chin and pulling his head round to meet with Dean's eyes.

The once sparkling, angelic blue eyes now seemed darkened, empty and full of sadness, Dean's heart dropped at the sight.

"I don't know what's real anymore Dean" Cas mumbled, lip shaking slightly as though he was about to cry.

"I'm real…Lucifer is in your head…whatever he says, whatever he does…just don't engage with him…don't give him your attention. Focus on something else…it worked for Sam in the beginning, kept him sane for a while longer."

"There isn't exactly much else to focus on in this room Dean" Cas said sadly, dropping his gaze into his own lap and folding his hands.

Dean felt the sudden urge to care for Cas, which sounded insane in his own mind. An all powerful angel of the lord was so incredibly helpless and vulnerable, it didn't sit right.

He cautiously reached out and took one of Cas' hands in his own and cradled it. The action caused the angel's head to whip up and stare directly at Dean.

"I'm in the room…I'm right here…focus on me" Dean encouraged, squeezing Cas' hand in comfort.

Cas let out a small smile and nodded slowly.

"Is it really worth it Cas? I mean come onnnnnn, as soon as visiting is over Dean there will be out the door again…quick as a flash and who says he will come back next time…you're a pathetic excuse for an angel…ask yourself why anyone would actually care?" Lucifer taunted, causing Cas to tear his gaze from Dean, grimacing at the devil's words.

"Hey…I said focus on me…please Cas" Dean said, tugging his hand and causing Cas to turn back to him.

"Why are you even here Dean? Why do you care?" The angel snapped, reeling from Lucifer's comments.

Dean blinked in surprise for a moment, but pushed on.

"Cause you're my friend ok? Despite everything…and I WILL get you out of here, I WILL find a way to help you."

"Promises…promises" Lucifer chimed.

This time Castiel followed Dean's exact instruction and continued his focus on the hunter. Staring in awe at Dean and digesting his promise, his words.

"But…maybe I deserve this" Cas stated, looking Dean directly in the eye.

"No…you don't, nobody does. You have gone above and beyond to make amends here Cas. This…it's a fate worse than death and I can't let that happen to you. We will find a way." Dean said, gripping Cas' hand.

The angel let out a small smile and nodded.

"Neverrrrrrr gonna happen" Lucifer sang, causing Cas to flinch at his words again and break eye contact with Dean.

Dean noticed that Cas was struggling to gain focus and decided to make a bold move in a moment of madness.

"Cas, close your eyes"

He looked up to Dean in confusion, before following the command and closing his eyes.

Dean hesitated for a moment, his heart thumping so loudly that he would swear Cas could hear it. He leant forward slowly, gently brushing his lips over the angel's.

"WOAHHH DID NOT SEE THAT COMING" Lucifer yelled in amusement, now munching on popcorn from his perch on the table.

Lips had barely touched when Cas' eyes snapped open and he pulled back, eyes wide with confusion and curiosity.

Though Cas didn't speak, his eyes said it all.

"Just giving you something to focus on…go with it" Dean replied to the silent question.

Before Cas could respond, Dean closed in on his personal space again and sealed their lips together in a soft longing kiss.

More prepared this time; Cas responded to the kiss almost immediately and let Dean take perfect control, deepening their kiss as his hand cupped the back of Cas' neck.

"Stage exit Satan…dammit" Lucifer mumbled in defeat, before slipping from the existence he held in Cas' mind.

The angel could feel his mind re-build as Lucifer vanished from his thoughts and his mentality improved rapidly, feeling as though Dean was pouring his heart & soul into Cas.

Cas pulled back breathlessly, using a hand rested on Dean's leg to steady himself and process what was happening. That's when he noticed the silence in the room…no devil.

"Dean…he…he's gone" Cas stuttered out, staring into Dean's eyes with a sense of hope.

"Really…wow I must be pretty awesome" Dean said with a chuckle.

They both knew inwardly it wasn't that easy, of course Cas wasn't 'cured' from a simple kiss, this was NOT a Disney movie. But the moment of silence for the angel was the most rewarding feeling.

Cas ignored Dean's joking, snaking his hand up behind the hunter's head and pulling him in for another kiss, causing a surprised gasp from Dean.

The kiss grew heated pretty quickly, Cas acting on emotion and becoming more bold with each brush of lips.

Dean moaned into the kiss, an overwhelming feeling of love and lust filling him from the inside out. Hands fought for any part of Cas, tugging his hair affectionately and running a hand up and down his arm.

Lips moved in perfect synch together, tongues dancing and licking every part of the other's mouth, not wanting to miss a single sensation or taste.

Cas moaned against Dean's lips, he wanted everything the hunter was offering and more, there was nothing in that moment but him and Dean.

The hunter and the fallen angel.

"Dean" Cas breathed against his lips, almost in question. Dean answered with a nod.

"I know Cas…c'mere" he mumbled, dragging the angel by his arm and pulling him across until he straddled Dean's lap, one leg either side of the hunter's hips.

Castiel went willingly, loving being so close to Dean, such a rarity in itself.

He moaned loudly, continuing their frantic kissing and cupping Dean's head in both of his hands.

Dean moved his own hands down Cas' spine over his thin hospital top until he reached Cas' hips and gripped them tightly, surging the angel down against him.

The moment their clothed erections met, both men moaned into each others mouths and Cas pulled back to look Dean in the eye, curiosity lacing his baby blues.

Castiel pushed down again experimentally and squeezed his eyes closed as pleasure radiated through his system, sparking off new sensations within his vessel. When his eyes snapped open, Dean gulped loudly and stared right into Cas' eyes, with a similar mix of curiosity and excitement.

Dean rolled his hips upwards and pulled Cas down again, in no time they were rutting against one another frantically.

The angel rolled his hips continually on top of Dean, causing an immense amount of friction, even with clothing still in tact and all thoughts left the building.

"Mmm Cas" Dean moaned, pulling the angel in for another kiss.

They kissed in urgency, never breaking apart and the rutting sped up as they smoothly rolled hips against each other, feeling the build up rise inside of them.

Cas could feel his orgasm bubbling up inside and moaned, pulling away from Dean. He gripped the back of the hunter's head and sped up his movements once more, while panting rapidly and heavily down Dean's ear.

The angel's mumbles and stuttered gasps of Dean's name down his ear, made the hunter shiver and his own orgasm approached fast and hard.

A final call of Dean's name was enough to have him spilling over the edge and white flashes flew behind his eyelids as he squeezed them shut, letting the intense feeling wash through his system.

"Damn Cas" Dean muttered down the angel's ear, feeling him tremble and gasp against him, as Cas followed Dean into pure bliss.

The angel pulled back shakily to look Dean in the eye; he let out a rare smile and kissed the hunter softly.

Knocking at the door broke their moment and the nurse's voice sounded through.

"Cas, I've brought you some food" She announced walking into the room.

Castiel was fast enough to pull off Dean and sit beside him before she fully entered the room.

Dean placed his hands in his lap, trying to hide the wet patch that formed there and averted his gaze to anywhere other than the nurse or Cas.

"Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you had a visitor…I'll just leave this here" She said softly, with a smile and hastily left the room.

The room fell into complete silence, both angel and hunter stared a hole into the floor in front of them, contemplating what had just happened.

Dean felt an overwhelming need to hold Cas again, slowly but surely this encounter was proving Sam's point and at this moment Dean didn't want to let Cas go, not ever.

"How did we get here Dean?" Cas asked in curiosity.

Dean smirked and shrugged, before looking to his side and meeting with Cas' eyes.

"I have no idea…one minute you save me, the next we are best friends, then we're practically enemies…then I lose you…now…this"

Cas stared at Dean intently, as though trying to figure out his motive.

"And what is…this, Dean?"

The hunter retreated slightly, still a little unsure himself.

"I don't know…I just…dammit Cas, somewhere along the line I think I may have…I mean I think I…" Dean stuttered through his words, the words 'I love you' sitting on the tip of his tongue.

"I know Dean…I do too" Cas said, with a small hopeful smile.

Dean's eyes widened and he shuffled closer to the angel.

"What do you mean you know...wait, what? Did you just say you do too?"

Cas nodded slowly, tears glistening in his eyes.

"Since when?" Dean breathed out in shock.

"Ever since I touched your soul in hell Dean…and I have never stopped. Everything I do, all of it has been for you Dean…it always will be" Cas spoke quietly, yet confidently.

There was a slight shake in his voice and his lip trembled, a single tear falling from the angel. Something Dean never thought he would see.

Dean launched forward capturing Cas' lips in the most tender kiss, cupping his face and brushing away the tear with his thumb, before pulling back.

Their foreheads rested against each other and Dean whispered against Cas' lips.

"I swear I will find a way to get you out of here Cas…back on your feet and when that happens…"

"Dean…"

"No…listen to me, when that happens…you hit the road with me and Sam, I am never letting you out of my sight."

Dean finished with a sad smile, kissing his angel on the forehead before pulling back. Cas nodded slowly, before furrowing his brows in thought.

"What about Lucifer…he will come back Dean and you can't stay here"

The hunter sighed, knowing Cas was right, he looked down to their joined hands and spotted his silver ring, the one he has owned since he was a teenager.

Dean removed his hand from Cas' and pulled off the ring, all the while the angel watched in confusion.

"This…"

Dean said, holding up the ring for Cas to see.

"…I've had it since I was a kid, its part of me…hold onto it, keep it close and whenever you have a bad moment…focus on this."

Cas stared in awe as Dean lifted his hand and placed the ring on the angel's middle finger.

Dean lifted Cas' hand up to his lips and placed a kiss over the silver ring.

"I'll come back for you" Dean promised, tears stinging the back of his eyes at the thought of walking away from Cas.

He leant forward and kissed his angel lightly on the lips, before standing up and making his way for the door.

Cas watched as he walked away, a churning filling his stomach and a pain shooting through his heart.

Dean stopped at the door and turned back to Cas with a smile tugging his lips.

"You better clean up" He said, laughing lightly and pointing to Cas' pants.

The angel smiled in response and let out a rare huff of laughter.

"You too…"

Dean nodded and went to turn away before Cas' voice halted him.

"Dean…when will you come back?"

Blue eyes stared into Dean with so much hope and the hunter felt his heart strings tug.

"Soon…real soon. Hang in there Cas" Dean said with a sad smile and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Cas glanced down at the ring on his finger, a small sad smile similar to Dean's gracing his features.

"Soon"

**END**

**O-O-O-O-O-O-O**

**Hope you all enjoyed it! I will leave it up to your imaginations what Dean will do to save Cas or if he comes back etc Totally your call, you can create a happy ending in your head!**

**And here's hoping Dean comes through for Cas in the actual show! Fingers crossed everyone!**

**Please remember to review! :) x**


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